Why Does Your Daughter Wants You To Leave Your Husband? You didnt cause the problem, and you cant fix it. We watched Eureka last year and our daughter loved it and talked about it with her friends. For the first time in my life, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. to be at the stream, fishing pole in hand and waders on, to fly fish with my dad. I hope that you can in the process of all this also try to strengthen your marriage, because when your daughter gets new interests in two years or doesnt want to hang out with her parents or even when she moves out of the house, your husband is going to be the one who youre left with. Too little time to post! Tell them in detail what you like about them. I think I read this differently than Wendy. Its not your fault if your partner and daughter dont get along. I had NO IDEA what that was, so I did the can-can. Husbands can inadvertently drive their daughters away by overstepping boundaries, being too critical, or taking on too much control. FIONA SAYS: It's never too late to change patterns so long as he's willing. This time is precious and its fleeting, and its understandable that you want to be well, greedy with it. We think theyre awesome. It was infuriating. When the symbolic slot machine pays off, you were likely to have been off and running through the interpersonal Alice in Wonderland maze again. My mom hated most of those things and really didnt make an effort to get involved. And they never put down my interests (which at the moment are the same as the LWs). but this might be the best Ive ever read here. What to Do When Your Ex Undermines Your Authority Blow out the torches! A talk with your husband about encouraging ALL of her interests (NOT belittling them) and being her own person is crucial at this age. Hell, even back in my day it wasnt that hard. Theres got to be at least one thing that the two of them have in common. No matter how much mom encourages their relationship, the child is hearing Dad thinks Im stupid.. Seriously though, Joss Whedon writes amazing TV his shows are some of the best the medium has to offer. Let them know that, in your eyes, they are precious and beautiful beyond . Hes embarrassing her. Saying his mom walked out because he hates him. Essie I think you are looking at this through your own pov. It may take years and years before the pay-off is apparent. Your kid may not always enjoy the activities you make them do, but part of being a parent is helping them develop into a good adult. Help her get excited about the real science and history behind the fiction she enjoys. I just have to say, I have NEVER felt comfortable choosing what to watch on tv if Im in the same room as my dad because I know he thinks 95% of what Id want to watch is annoying. Unless you are from PA, of course. Unfortunately for your husband, its not as easy for him to nurture his relationship with his adolescent daughter and rather than helping him and by extension, your daughter create a closer parent-child bond, you seem to be almost delighting in the Us Against Him mentality you share with your daughter (we look forward to him traveling so we wont have to tiptoe around him, etc.). If he feels like thats going to impede their time together, then fine, youre off the hook. Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. doesnt mean that the Dad is 100% correct in ramming his opinions down his daughters throat. Losing the . Required fields are marked *. My point is, you have cultivated these interests in your daughter. How about trying to find an interest that all 3 of you could enjoy together? Try to get him to understand that all he has done so far is push away those people that he probably cares about the most his wife and children. Listen, this dad sounds exactly like my dad when I was 12, down to insisting I be more competitive, and why cant I play sports, and so on. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. You know at the beginning of the last indiana jones movie where indie comes running home and needs to ask his dad something but his dad makes him count to 10 in latin? So sad. Child Endangerment - a Possibility When Driving Drunk - HG.org I think hes going a little too far if hes making disparaging comments about her personality, but I absolutely hate baseball, and if I married a guy who loved it and we had a son who was obsessed, I know that Id be rolling my eyes at them. People who are closed-off in this way often become so as a result of a previous emotional trauma or traumas. A father-daughter relationship is one of the most important relationships a girl can have. I feel like the mother may be inadvertently teaching the daughter that its OK to make it all about yourself. They gave me a mixtape with a whole bunch of different Beatles on it, and I am still a huge Beatles fan to this day. I still think hes acting out like a child. I agree with this, except, I dont think the mother was intentionally pushing these shows on her, it probably just happened. Seeing him cultivate her interests and introduce her to things I never would have has been a blessing. When I was a child my mom dragged me to countless art museums with my sister. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. Dont talk negatively about her father. In my case, Im sure there would have been something else to criticize if I was a different kid. I was closer to my mom, and even closer with my friends in the neighborhood. I wanted to make a point about the use of the word uninformed. Tell you daughter its important she spend time with her dad and why. THIS is the problem, not the fact that a 12-year-old girl likes 12-year-old girl things. One activity we all enjoyed!!!! Our grandmother let us watch Bambi as a treat and I cried and cried, so my father responded by tricking me into eating venison the next week, and then as soon as I ate it all, telling me it was Bambis mother. Intimate partners count on each other to maintain a sane interaction. PS I also dont get why going camping and hiking versus Buffy-ing are mutually exclusive. 1. Maybe not, though. I think its great that he invites her and wants to share his interests with her. My parents werent interested in that stuff. July 2, 2013, 12:46 pm. Im not even saying all of the things listed are mature and intelligent, but that people can be smart and informed and still like these things. I think my athletic and musical skills would have benefited a lot if I could have had practice early. Seriously? The daughter will then learn to respond in similar (asking others about their hobbies, showing genuine interest, accepting of differing hobbies). She cant meet him halfway if he is putting her down. Does he like the 80s music? I think your daughter will be too, if you listen to Wendy. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-4','ezslot_15',127,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-4-0');And since she loves you both, it can be tough for her to see you stay in a situation that makes you both so miserable. He did crossword puzzles so I sat down next to him so I could learn and now we do them together. I really dont think this situation falls entirely on the husband. Ask the dentist: Why can some people not cope with the word 'fat'? FIONA SAYS: Gently and with tact, though she's still likely to be upset. You became a drudge, in spite of him being a great guy and loving you madlybecause. This can be a normal and healthy part of adolescence, but it can also be painful for parents who feel like they are losing the close relationship they once had with their child. But when I turned my attention towards nurturing my marriage, even though the kids got less attention, they started feeling more secure. Also have to add that her father probably doesnt realize it, but at that age I felt like criticism of what I took an interest in was equal to criticism of myself. Awesome. July 2, 2013, 2:09 pm, Absolutely agree. And also, him treating her with respect and letting her know he values her, well that will also help shape her future relationships where she will know she deserves to be respected, valued and loved. Obviously, this is as much your husbands job as it is yours, but right now it seems hes threatened by the bond you share with your daughter and is acting childish. bittergaymark That being said, its important to have fun hobbies, and I agree with their is a balance. Did I fight with my dad as a teenager? Parents should be parents and kids should be kids. Um, no. He had an inflated sense of self-importance that led him to believe he was superior and entitled to only the best. He started throwing me out at 13 for reasons like my friend being weird, my hair being weird, my music being terrible, etc. We were forced to have shockingly good table manners and we shook hands with adults from the age of three. I thought The Crucible was awful, but I definitely went to Salem this winter and got really into the witch trials and all the history there. I was so annoyed! July 2, 2013, 12:28 pm. Yet, while lamenting that they are not closer, he simply refuses to engage with her on these subjects. 1. She may also believe that by getting divorced, youll finally be able to find the happiness that you deserve. That doesnt mean she shouldnt modify her behavior, but her desire is understandable and its easy to lose sight of the bigger picture. Scifi and fantasy have an adult audience for a reason (and a lot of the scientists on your husbands shows were inspired to study it because of Star Trek and the like). I love all things Hitchcock now, and not because she brainwashed me if she had her way, Id also love The Three Stooges and The Twilight Zone, and Im not nearly as crazy about those. July 2, 2013, 11:57 am. If the later is the case, I would seriously consider whether or not husband wants to change and work on himself and if not, I would maybe get out. And imagine the lesson you would have learned if your dad had rolled his eyes at your piano recital, etc. He broadened my view of the world, showed me things that I wouldnt have seen without him. Have you read Tumblr recently? When crazy-making partners are not driven by malevolent motives, they are very open to changing their behavior if it is pointed out in a non-judgmental environment. So basically my husband has been their father as their biological father rarely sees them,maybe once or twice a year. To do that, I think she has to be less invested in making sure child is 100% happy 100% of the time and I think she has to rationally explain to her husband how some of his actions are being perceived. Right, but it didnt seem, to me, like Jennifer was allowing for that distinction. When my family went on vacations as a kid, I didnt get a say in where we went. How so? Cover your daughter and her husband with generous . 2 weeks later his wife tried killing him, leaving him in the hospital for 3 months. A: There are two things to consider here. Moreover, his interests could actually I dunno help make her a more well rounded person. How are those pre-teen interests? Because my dad took the time to foster this in me, it has not only made my relationship with him stronger, but with others as well. Without respect there will be no relationship. Definitely. Spyglassez What to Do If Your Child's Behavior Is Ruining Your - Lifehacker Substance Abuse and Child Custody | WomansDivorce See a different horoscope: Select And I dont think that tv shows a mature, intelligent adult would watch necessarily means they are good shows to watch. Who knows? . Both parents have to work on appreciating her interests and her, while asking her to explore theirs as well. I know I did. By virtue of him going about his business, I was interested and wanted to participate. Huge!! In the Summer of 1993 when I was 12 I went through a serious Tom Petty phase and my dad LOVED it. Id even argue that as the adult here, he should be putting in more of an effort to accept her for who she is and take an interest in what she likes, instead of the other way around. Frankly, her interests sound pretty varied to me for 12: reading, pop culture, sci-fi, archery, piano and Broadway. They have their own part to play in the healing of the relationship. You and your husband are partners and your job is to guide your daughter lovingly into adulthood, giving her all the tools you can to be independent, strong, and self-assured. Im sure BOTH the LW ~and~ her husband could benefit from those. I camped. LW, I think encouraging your daughter to spend time with her dad is so important. Ask Erin: I'm Exhausted By My Daughter's Depression | Ravishly But believe it or not, a lot of my nerdy students do like Buffy quite a few of them go to conventions, and as far as I can tell, theyre just giant nerd festivals, so its actually kind of easy to encounter something that was popular 15 years ago because where there are nerds, there is Buffy. Whether it be balance sports with history, Buffy with science, it doesnt matter. I dont care that much about baseball, but my dad is a fanatic so I played catch with him in the backyard and had fun because we were spending time together. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'therelationshipnotes_com-medrectangle-3','ezslot_1',103,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-medrectangle-3-0'); My daughter seems to resent my husband, and my husband just doesnt seem to know how to connect with her. At that age when your self-esteem is barely functioning (middle school was a bitch for me and most women I know, even if you were cool and confident) I cant imagine how hurtful it must be for her to be mocked. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,100],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-3','ezslot_14',135,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-3-0');Here are some things you can do: Its not always easy to find the right balance between your spouse and your child, but it is possible. Last Friday night, he worked late and came home exhausted. As your confusion increased, you probably felt a stronger need to make things happen the way they should, while your partner accused you of obsessively tracking his or her every move. Awesome post, Wendy The whole time reading the letter I was feeling a bit sorry for the dad, but mostly in the sense of Wow, sucks for him that hes such a big fat pain in the ass and no one likes him. Then I read your response and realized even if he is a pain in the ass, Mom has lots to work on too. Can I get a 'corona divorce' from my quarantined family? The father is totally out of line with his dismissive and unloving ways, but so is the mother, big time. And in the end its the time together, more than what youre actually doing, that makes the difference. My stepfather and my mother told me I was weird and that Id regret it because Id never be popular or normal, or get boys to like me. Heck Yes! Its not his thing, and as an adult I respect that (now the two of us nerd out talking about law related stuff since I just got my J.D. She occasionally plays them with her friends but she could care less whether she wins or loses because she doesnt care for them and so she isnt invested in the game. Or else hes doing a disservice to her. Sure, he dragged me out on hikes that I hated, and I was a brat and pain during many of them. However, he also needs to learn to compromise. Is Your Partner Driving You Crazy? | Psychology Today Theres making a light-hearted joke when something is spilled, and then there is telling your child that what makes her happy is stupid. I think dad is being a bully. Actually, my husbands a pretty big fanboy in general. Meanwhile, hed try to force what he thought was important onto me. bittergaymark Haha, are you saying I should stop saying that listening to Taylor Swift on repeat is annoying? haha. Mythbusters and other shows have done a number of episodes on sci-fi meet reality, too. The Substitute Wife: My Poor Husband is a Billionaire He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed, to the extent that he gives her assignments, like reading articles from National Geographic and discussing them with him, which, of course, she resents. I dont know that I really have a favorite anymore I just like that theyre together again. Yeah, I think its going to be hard for her to get her husband to listen to her parent to parent if hes already being alienated. For me there were clues that it went further than that (the wanting her to be competitive and giving her reading assignments for instance), but its possible that because these are her interests too that shes being overly sensitive about it. And like I said above, I like the idea of assignments to widen your daughters horizons. Asshole My son had his wedding days ago. Both of them are alike in that they are argumentative, particularly with each other, and if they disagree with each other or even have a misunderstanding neither will let it go, such that we end up with ridiculous escalating fights. When I got to college and met all these kids whod been exposed to more high-brow stuff than I had, I definitely felt like I had to play catch-up to at least even have an opinion on this stuff. Ask Fiona: My husband is driving our kids away, my friend has an Wendy, I too got the us against him mentality from this LW. I see his point to some extent. Or if shes interested in other fantasy series (ex. Gently explain that you're not happy approaching this guy because you think he's simply not interested and that, if she continues to chase him, she's leaving herself open to more hurt and disappointment. We were so thrilled. But that he made the effort to give me my interests. July 3, 2013, 2:36 pm. But I would say that Dad needs to try not to do the whole disparaging remarks thing. Hold on there, NKOTB are STILL awesome! Whats ok is to have a balance. Exactly! painted_lady How to Cope When Your Spouse Is Driving You Crazy All of these are better that watching the Kardashians find new ways to make money or reading magazines that criticize stars beach bodies. Here are a few things you can do to try and improve the relationship between them: Its not uncommon for daughters to want their parents to divorce. lets_be_honest Anything! He does not say that to her but expresses it to me. But he never stopped trying, and even if I was a brat, he still acted like an adult and never sunk to my level. My dad would also try to do things we liked. However, now as an adult, he appreciates my intelligence and how much thought and research I put into topics, even if we dont agree. Ya know what happens when Mom encourages the relationship and Dad continues to belittle the kid? I am, but I mostly just read others, so Im boring. July 3, 2013, 1:09 am, If the Mom is copying her daughters interests with such a vengeance its even more creepy. Even now, as an adult, when he says he doesnt care and I can pick whatever, I know that isnt really true I put on say yes to the dress and hell be like, ok, well, not this. And the Inner Light is a great episode, I watched it recently on Netflix. lets_be_honest He may be uncomfortable talking about his feelings or sharing personal stories. Forget it. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. This kind of self-awareness is never easy, and it is likely that he may need some professional help to overcome whatever it is that prevents him from opening up with those closest to him. When combined with the eye rolling and disparaging, that all adds up to he isnt joking about it. Hopefully, when he sees that it's his entire family that is worried, he'll see that change is needed. Is It My Fault If My Partner And Daughter Dont Get Along? The fact that he is open to sharing his interests with her is key thats going to be where the relationship develops. Meh, I wouldnt call him a total jerk, I can see getting frustrated that not only does your daughter not enjoy the samethings as you, but now all of the sudden your wife doesnt either, just because your daughter doesnt. I wanted to spend more time with him so he took me golfing with him early in the morning, even though I didnt know how to play. Im still mad at my parents for allowing me to grow up without listening to Led Zeppelin. Within a year of this, my dad became abusive. By keeping a few key things in mind, you can make headway in even the toughest situations. Up to a point. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. That means the communication isnt effective and it may be that your husband has to hear this from someone outside the situation. I would have been more open to doing different things if I wasnt told that there was something wrong or bad about the interests I did have. That means theres a common ground there, even if its the size of a postage stamp. Unfortunately, the old woman fell ill, and Janet had to marry a worthless man in place of her parents' biological daughter to meet the maid's medical expenses. So, dont deprive your daughter of the sort of things you learn about life when doing not fun things with one of your parents. 6napkinburger No. But you do so at your husbands expense, your daughters expense, and possibly the expense of your marriage. Courts take action when substance use, in the form of alcohol and illicit drugs, and/or misuse of prescription drugs actually hinders a parent's ability to care for their children or when the parent poses a danger to the children's well-being. Plus, I gotta say, I dont love ripping into the mom for being Greedy , when it is understandable to want to foster such clearly shared interests with her daughter. I enjoyed it so much, I went both mornings. I know, Buffy was the weakest link in Buffy (is that irony?). 6napkinburger And disparaging his daughters interests is the absolute wrong way to go about that. From one mom to another. Theres forcing your kids to do something outside of their comfort zone, normal range of interests which I am ok with and then theres refusing to listen to music in the car EVER? Its not cool that Dad is rolling his eyes at his daughters interests and hobbies. I honestly think both parents are at fault. The way hes acting could be a response to feeling alienated, Im sure, but right now it seems hes trying to run a bit of tyrannical household (with the assignments, & the verboten music and television). Eventually I grew up and learned to appreciate these things, and I can look back and say wow, my dad was so great and modeled the type of behavior I should show. Also, my father took me to the new Disney movie every year. All of this has tended to push her (and me, to some extent) away from him. And lets face itthe daughter is about to become a teenager. Their mind is broken, causing them to seriously overestimate their driving abilities. My husband goes thru their rooms & throws clothes away he doesn't like. My dad got me into the Beatles and Hendrix, so I hear that! If his dad had listened when my husband wanted to talk when he was a boy, perhaps my husband would listen to his dad now. TONS of teenagers are interested in Buffy, Firefly, and (new) Star Trek. I would suggest, while lending an ear to her feelings about her father, gently suggesting she go to him and tell him, without whining or accusing (I dont know that she does either, but I know that tends to shut people down) how his rejection of her makes her feel. I cant believe you didnt address that. bittergaymark I dont comment a lot but wanted to say I often like your comments. Addie Pray Seriously, the concept of the Q is what puts me on the agnostic end of atheism. But you know what? And I really do think he has been 100%, maybe even 110% put on the back burner. Dear Therapist: My In-Laws Are Driving Me Nuts - The Atlantic
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