Lol. Tinkerbell The biblical standard is that a man leaves his mother and father and cleaves to one woman. That way he cant send you any! You shouldnt have to put yourself through the extra pain of knowing hes with his ex (or not). Mummys boy I had 9 mo r.ship w b4 ex now deceased AC re-entered my life, sent me a facebook friend request y.day. Still, forgiveness is possible even if reconciliation isn't. I understand, Rosie, and I find soothing your willingness to comment. difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting When I reflect, I have forgiven the assclowns from my past for their bad behavior. The difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships is the way the other person makes you feel. Many people who grew up churched have no idea of whats out there. and promotions on our books and products! When you share your feelings and your legitimate feelings make another person defensive, you are not being blamed for holding a grudge. Why spend that much time and energy its because theres still a grudge.. As you know, being a Christian is hard, Revolution! I still feel Ive done the right thing, and I am relieved, but in other ways I dont know that Ill ever be really free of him. Mothers who REALLY love their children, anyway. What a bullet you dodged. This reminds me of the dance AC whom I recently brushed off as having a flirting fetish and who my mother insisted liked me (so I let my guard down an inch). Thank you Allison it does feel good, I feel like I had lost a part of me but I am feeling contented and so much happier that I know I am finally getting there..thanks to BR and all the lovely posters who show so much support on here it just makes you so aware that you arent alone in what you are going through and it gives you the strength to deal with what the ex AC is trying to throw at you. Im praying for the strength to take my leave, but at the same time be kind. i saw him in the summer and we talked about what happened, I also found out he was dating a lot since out hook up. Hugs xx. Say no to blaming yourself for who people are. Similarities Between The Dog That Bit People And The | Bartleby Like a moth to a flame, I know exactly what its like to feel drawn to this type and if you can, find the strengthfly away fly away! I will not hold a grudge and I will not press the reset button. Its so elementary but I hadnt thought of what you said, at least not in that way. She has been told over and over that she cannot treat people the way she treats them and not have consequences. Appreciate you writing this. Natalie, this post is food for thought. Ive been 1 year out of an unhealthy 3.5 year relationship, and Im struggling with thoughts about breaking 6 months no contact with her. So, instead of braving the nasty weather to spend hours with people that I dont really want to get to know, I stayed in with a glass of red and watched a movie and had a lovely time! Consider reaching out to a mental health professional for guidance on forgiveness as it relates to you and your unique situation. Ive dated many abusers and narcissists in the past who have said awful things to me and I recycle them in my head all the time regardless of how long ago it was. dont care, dont care, dont care. Dysfunction happens often in families where there is substance or alcohol use disorder. Consenting to these technologies will allow us to process data such as browsing behaviour or unique IDs on this site. Im doing pretty well. One night the devil made me do it. ago. The difference is that Ive chosen to use this painful experience to grow as a person and that usually means letting go of the past and never looking back. these are the effs I do not give. I work alone and am not in a relationship. Feeling assured he aint a bad man assclown who messed me up.because im plesant to him. If hes so happy with her why bother calling you?). A theological debate would be fun, though, especially with Revolution as shes smart, a writer, has a feisty personality and a beautiful heart and probably knows her stuff. He will always make my skin crawl, a little. My point is Thanks for putting it to me in light of drug addiction. I used to believe that remembering the past only had anger and hurt in it but by remembering and processing it with a perspective thats been increasingly informed by self-care, Im at peace with me and because Im not carrying a load of blame and resentment, I can choose what types of interactions I want to have with a person based on a healthier perspective and manage myself accordingly, safe in the knowledge that Im doing my best to respect each of us in reality instead of being mired in BS. The final straw was that when I left town out of desperation to do something else,and hang out with other people I returned to find that he was crashing out on my close grilfriends bed saying that he felt his bind with me was stronger if he hung out with my close friends. You have to do whats necessary to protect you! The technical storage or access is required to create user profiles to send advertising, or to track the user on a website or across several websites for similar marketing purposes. Guys dont like being replaced either, even if it was his choice and a while ago. Ergo, to forgive someone, you behave in the most loving way you can towards them, whether you feel like it or not. I did fall for him and did feel an emotional connection even though he is EUM so we became friends then my feelings grew and i thought his did too and we got along much better, until he said he wasnt interested in relationship but kept emailing calling. I see him now and again in passing and we are polite but quick, and he knows what he did. My bad! Yep, if he cuts our program, I dont have to forgive him either. At first I thought he just couldnt help himself, it was just his way of relating to people, and he was so sweet and warm that it was no wonder he was universally well-liked, especially by women. I was a sobbing messat workbecause she left the message at 9:00 a.m. on a work dayknowing I would listen to the message at work. I really like this guy. The bible also says to flee sexual immorality. I also observed undercurrents of hostile, disrespectful behavior. Ill just have to get past this, but yes it hurts. Are you two still together or have you broken up? Behaving just like a drug addict, withdrawing from the fix. Surely ther. I felt a strong attraction to him from day one mentally and physically and its hard to forget about it even though hes been saying these offensive things. He never apologised. This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged. Lavendar, when people tell you who they are.believe them. No. I feel very positive about the future, whether or not that includes a relationship with a man. I have found, though, that it was easier when I took my feelings out of the equation. Hes made a couple of crumby attempts to contact me since he broke up with me and while initially I thought that would make me feel better, it didnt. Rakel D, ed. I did not acknowledge it. The responsible thing to do is therefore to withdraw from new guy and other dating prospects. Grudges are toxic to relationships. The Miracle is possible! Thanks for your well thought out post. PDF Letting Go of Grudges - Between Sessions Something she could have easily done herself. Well, I dont know if his red flags are as red as my exs so maybe Im not really seeing red Oh, you are seeing red and he even told you very directly that he has red flags. The difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships is the way the other person makes you feel. Just wanted to clarify. In any case, I can sympathize with the trauma you must have gone through with such a parent. I have suffered with obsessive thoughts and cognitive dissonance for years with this AC! NOTHING, time to live in present and learn/forget my painful past! So I couldnt. A lot less drama. How did that statement make you feel? Doormatwhat a lousy situation. What is the difference between "grudge" and "vengeance " ? "grudge" vs After a 2 year relationship I recently ended the relationshiip and am trying no contact. You hit the nail on the head. Someone he doesnt have to fully invest in or commit to, regardless of the title he may give her. I dont wish them damnation as their salvation really is the best revenge. And awareness. Yet, He forgives. He emailed last night and it didnt make me feel better. Q R$::00% B@,6 :S;c889^L3az?YB3xR08Zq@` o% i even had a realtionship between and had to break up with the guy becasue I kept missing the other one, which was when I decided to be friends with the ex I have feelings for. I have not been to therapy, but I have researched her behavior thoroughly. Validation? Pray for you, wish tbe best for YOU. Write in a journal, pray or use guided meditation. Maybe he was just showing off to his friends, I dont know. At first, I tried to play it cool. But if theyre not, theres probably nothing to be gained from letting them carry on reaping the rewards of being unrepetent on you. The Difference Between Holding a Grudge and Setting a Boundary If one day you wish to talk to me again, do so. Meaning: You won't forget what she did. Forgiveness facilitation in palliative care: A scoping review. It feels so awful not to handle things well and to lose so much confidence. If I read you right, this has to be said: PLEASE do not forget that the Big Bang nerdy new guy also has feelings and doesnt deserve to be strung along by a non-committed, emotionally unavailable, broken hearted (young?) This response is different from holding a grudge. ", You're all about fairness or want to make sure that they see your side of things, "You might plan to get together with a friend or go out with your boyfriend, but then decide to cancel at the last minute, just because you don't feel right about it or aren't "up to it," Habash, said. I take it to mean all the people in church who wind me up because, you know, Im spending eternity with them. Thanks. I dont care if im feeling sorry for myself. I am extremely not saying hes a bad guy or he shoulda, woulda, coulda. Its bordering on the OCD side which can be so frustrating. Forgiveness can lead to: Healthier relationships. When I talk to people who struggle with walking away and staying away and who keep getting their fingers burned, there can often be this fear of appearing to hold a grudge. Its more lime an addiction. Of course, thats easier said than done.Forgiving doesnt mean you forget what happened, or that youve decided it wasnt actually that bad. I have no idea why I had such a high threshold for this in the past. But he was so so charming, funny, intelligent, etc. Drug dealer left town, found another client whose willing to lose even more than you. But we really need to forgive ourselves. Do you think I am using the past bad situation to colour my impressions of this guy? Hi Ladies and gents. I am now interested in another guy and I thought he was a nice guy (just a friend right now), but I overheard him talking to another friend on the phone and saying that he loved our city because there were so many loose women and sluts so he could go out and get some every single night. Even with her hip replacement and all the other physical and health issues she has, I dont even feel sorry for her. A truly, kind, genuine man, would not refer to women as loose and sluts, or joke about having many on the go. Youre right, sometimes these rebounds are objectified but I did not mean to do so. You get tempted to go for that fix, but you stay away. I hope youre doing great!! She has proven over and over again what kind of person she is and it's the kind you don't want to be around. Preventing yourself from feeling anything requires a lot of effort, Owen said. If we combine this information with your protected I think its most important for starters that you stop with the new guy, explain that you cannot continue because you are not over your ex and then stop dating for the time being. I dont want to debate, only to understand what you mean. It sounds like you did your research on learning about Narcs. It has been found difficult and left untried. If it were easy, everyone would be one, ya know? Then we hear nothing off him till the next week after having his son for the day the guilt gets to him again.so I then have to endure the pleastries til off he goes validated yet again. Thanks Bubble I tried explaining to the AC, and to my old friend that or friendship would get affected with this new dynamic and I felt hurt. He is capable of seeking attention and some uncommitted sex. This is the test to see if you're really holding a grudge. Thank God, today I can chalk it up to experience. My ex never took drugs, lazed around drinking beer in his undershirt and never even hit me. Vindication? I have learned to protect myself, and deal with her effectively. He blew hot and cold, he made promises, he cancelled dates all the red flags that Natalie has alerted us to. Install a Number-Blocking application on your phone to filter his calls. Ive chosen to ignore it. After trauma, you may be unable to control the. Ready you should be celebrating! Otherwise, it will burn. If you read any if my posts from last weeks blog, I was just broken up with last week and was blindsided and feel sure its because his ex (who is a narcissist) has ventured back into the picture and hes apparently not done being hurt by her. Holding a grudge happens when. Your kind words will stay with me and give me extra strength to keep NC. If you struggle with finding forgiveness, you might: Forgiveness is a commitment to change. I FB-stalked someone who lived miles away. He can protect his own ego by staying away from me and working on improving himself as I move on. Beautiful, Sparkle! Is something wrong with you and your boyfriend? I respect your privacy and only subscribe you to what you've specifically requested. Forgiveness means different things to different people. Its driving me a bit crazy! Human beings are quite complex and the situations which evolve with them are usually even more complex. You feel great in the beginning (that high), then slowly, but surely You begin to feel the toll it takes on you, and those closest to you. After 9yrs u think you know someone then it all comes crashing down around you and it makes you wonder why you were vulnerable, nave and caught up with them. "Now compare that to how much emotional reserve you have towards someone you feel wronged you. I feel like hes pushing it in my face to get a reaction from me. The word grudge is typically used to refer to such a feeling when it has been held for a long period of timeoften longer than is considered normal. x, Hi JustHer and thanks, isnt it funny that this is how they think, that they have such selective memories in how they treated useverything he did was how Natalie has said it would go so instead of being blindsided it was like an aha momentI refused to be his bit on the side so out came the friend card lol onwards and upwards for all of us!!! I did a thing where I didnt make a scene about my anniversary, hoping people close to me would gather around without a script. It isnt rationalizing it all away by thinking the persons bad childhood is the reason the person is a bad person. Even if you think you are not good enough for love or that you dont deserve love, know that the moment true love is revealed to you will be the very moment you could live in for eternity. I know its very common, people looking to connect when the corpse of their marriage is not yet cold heck, the marriage likely isnt even a corpse, more like on life support but the thought of stepping into that muck is so unappealing I just shake my head. Ive seen him twice, at events, each time with his wife. holding a grudge = still being angry and bitter about the wrong someone did to you forgive but not forget = move on. I dont have to try to convince myself that the EUM will eventually come around just to indirectly, silently protect his ego. Until you may not have a choice but to stop. Im sure even though you may not be Christian, if you practice or still value the Native American doctrines there are bound to be some similar beliefs. A year of being single and not dating has changed my perspective of myself and what i am capable of. Take a minute. This serial monogamy is a fairly recent phenomenon and the bible is silent on how to handle it. It is just getting through the days, not checking phone, email etc. In practical terms, though, I found that when I was getting tied up in knots about it in prayer and so on, it helped to say Please forgive them on my behalf, because I cant and then leave it. The first two differences is the use of satire. I have gotten two jerks out of my life this year and now I have my own concerns more at heart. My grandmother whom I was very close to died recently. But when he was on his own I told him (calmly!) That matured my arse up real quick. Recognize the value of forgiveness and how it can improve your life. We also stand to lose an opportunity to learn from who weve been at different points in our life because we keep squashing down truths out of fear of looking bad and even a sense of guilt that we remember something. Lisa. Because really, what can you feel guilty about or worried what they (ACs) think? Im painting and doing some things that had gone by the wayside, getting my life back on track. Whenever you have a thought, track it. What To Do When Your Family Doesnt Love What Does Arguing With A Narcissist Sound Like. Though whenever we are together he is constantly receiving text messages and laughing the entire time. I had to wrestle and wrestle with forgiveness for a few years there and in the end I just came to terms with the fact that I wasnt going to feel okay if I thought about it, so the best thing was to probably not think about it more than I could help (although, in keeping with the religious theme, I found that God helped with this when I asked). Knowing what sorts of things might mean that youre holding a grudge, even if you dont think you are, can help you figure out a way to move forward. Maeve, thank you. Ill definitely remember that. Right now, its my faith that is getting me a bit balled up in what I think and do. What I meant was that, no matter whether the person is repentant (and thus deserving forgiveness) or non-repentant (willfully sinning without remorse or change of action, in which case they are constituting themselves an enemy of God and we would be enabling them and condoning their behavior as well as siding with them against God by forgiving them), we have the responsibility for OUR side of the street, which is that we never pay back evil for evil towards them by our own thoughts, words, or actions. This is the first time ever -that I have felt that way. Dear Love Talk Show - What's the difference between holding a grudge But recognizing what's going on and talking things through with them can help you move on. Mayo Clinic offers appointments in Arizona, Florida and Minnesota and at Mayo Clinic Health System locations. Hard to be alone. And I had parental issues I was trying to solve through him. Toxic people, narcissists, and passive-aggressive people know they are hurtful. Ultimately, dont let anybody make you feel bad about the fact that you have knowledge or awareness of something and are being responsible enough to ensure that your values and boundaries reflect this. Sometimes, you may find that youre holding a grudge even if youre doing so unintentionally. Then you think you can trust yourself, this time. Are you worthy of the air you breathe? It is far more powerful than breaking it to talk to him. Guess Im not as awesome as i originally thought. So this is really really traumatizing and I think made worse because in our other lives we are totally competent together, strong and intelligent women. This again pulls the focus back on you and makes you look forward to the future. But. I agree with everything you wrote, Rosie. NC Nice idea but no one can correct a relationship on their own. But that isn't always the case. And the question was, how many times should I forgive MY BROTHER, suggesting a close current relationship, not exes. I think that once I get this off my chest ILL be able to move on and not seethe with anger silently at how I was treated. I neglected to include that he waited until I was already deeply involved with him to tell me he was married 4 times. Im confused. I love what you said about real friends would support you, see your reason for NC and not have him showing up ay parties you will be coming to. Itll be wasted emotion on your end. However, when taking the subway, a man recognized me from high school, someone who I knew of from a mutual friend in school but thats it. Actually, theres nothing to forgive because he never tried to hurt me and he has always been honest, even painfully so. Six weeks laterhe reappeared in my city on his way to a job in a neighboring state. Probably has a harem and a significant other to boot. "Putting too much cream in the coffee or fighting over the TV remote can turn into a major blow-up due to the backlog of unresolved feelings in the relationship.". The last time I saw him was a few hours after he left my bed and he had an actual girlfriend in his We had a several year long r/s, including living together that had been dialed back to living separately and dating. I screamed obscenities at him on his doorstep and went NC and remained that way until this recent contact. Vengeance- An action of revenge or payback. ", It's easy for you to get irritated with them, NOW WATCH: Bed bug infestations are only getting worse here's why they're so hard to kill. I forgive him for being the way he is, for how he feels and for how he behaves. But now they seem different, rebilitated. I was strict NC with him for a really long time but even that became a non issue as time went on. Yet he wanted to to be friends with me and kept emailing calling after we broke up. Your last two posts have come at exactly the right moment. He did make you genuinely happy for a time, I remember that. Theres no reason for him to think otherwise, anyway, because Ive been a stellar companion. This is an amazing light shed on what could become a problem for me. It doesnt mean you need to have hateful feelings towards them, but its just sheer survival instinct on your end to step away from the nonsense. I read a quote by G.K. Chesterton, Christianity hasnt been tried and found wanting. Good luck. Why he would want to is another question you dont have to worry about unless youre still with him. A boundary is wiping that gum off, accepting the evidence that it was once there, but moving forward without that bump. I was so surprised with his sudden change of behavior toward me, that I mistook it for his dropping his act. Your explanations about why something is inconvenient, or abusive, goes in one ear and out the other. Forgiveness. Kit-Kat, I suffer from the same problem. So when I experienced that behavior towards myself, I would ask myself, what would you do if someone were treating your daughter that way. information and will only use or disclose that information as set forth in our notice of "The feeling that causes you to want to back out is likely a resentment lurking beneath the surface.". Perfect explanation Sparkle! We can gradually learn to let go of the hurt, anger and resentment, and hold on to the positive insights we have the opportunity to gain each time. I can hear him thinking How dare she be able to say goodbye, farewell! He told me i would fall to pieces if he left, and I feared that he might be right. My Mother believes if he really and truly had serious intentions, his ego and my not responding to him would not prevent him from reaching out to me. You might not think that's what you're doing, but it very well could be. Maybe they made fun of your favorite outfit, (metaphorically) threw you under the bus at work, or bullied you at school. my weakness is intelligence too, but rememberintelligent people can be some of the most effed up folks on the planet. Needless to say, my brother, sister and I had far from an ideal childhood. Recently, before I broke up he wanted to see me less and less and definitely displayed other narcissistic and hurtful behaviors. She left another message very late at night asking me if I got it and if I liked it. Good people should allow a person to have as many chances as they ask for and when our typical mode is people pleaser who worries too much about what everyone else thinks and silences their true self to follow shoulds laid down by the inner critic, we go against ourselves. You maintain your dignity with silence. He wants your forgiveness, which he probably interprets as you being okay with what he did. But when someone does harm to you (emotionally, mentally), and you finally overcome that, and they try to convince you things will be positive if you want it to be. I hope we all reach this state and continue NC (and if we fall off, get right back on). I didnt break her yet?. He just kept saying we could get together and talk. I tried to be friends with him again this year. That means behaving in their ultimate best interests. They hate you, good bye. 0 I have my dignity and that I did not have while I was with him. re my son esp. Is your opinion of that behavior good or bad? Took a few years mind. Wondering if I meant anything as he sent a few lame text messages and that was it. Lower blood pressure. The frenetic-ness of it seems almost like anxiety. exceedingly fortunate I do NOT suffer mental illness. Very tired of relationships not working out and tired of being alone, having said that, as coutney pointed out, I do need to trust my instincts, too old not to and been around th eblock too many times to get involvled with nother man who is not right fo rme. Please trust yourself. I am thinking he cheated on me and still has someone in his life and that is why he is not contacting me. Less anxiety, stress and hostility. So we fool ourselves unless we pay 100% attention to our thoughts and actions.
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